Roller Coaster of Emotions

file1If anyone ever argued that a woman isn’t strong for all that she endures during pregnancy or that anyone can do it is a complete fool!

There’s always been this stigma about feeling anything other than joy when pregnant. How could you feel any other sort of emotion?! You’re creating a new life. You should be happy about that right?

NO! That’s not the only feeling that comes up when you’re pregnant. You’re dealing with 9 months of up and down emotions because your hormones are all over the place and there are times when you yourself can’t seem to explain it.

The second you open up your mouth to express anything other than happiness, there’s a flood of questions that make you feel ashamed for the way you feel, embarrassed for voicing your feelings if they don’t express how excited and happy you are for the birth of you child.

Don’t get me wrong. I’m completely elated for the birth of baby 2. Bryan is the biggest blessing and joy in my life and I wouldn’t change the past year of my life for a second!

There’s just this overwhelming mix of crippling fear and insecurity that’s seemed to overcome me this time around and I’m at my breaking point because I’ve been so scared to open my mouth to tell anyone how I feel.

I’m scared to be ashamed of for feeling like a terrible mom, a horrific wife and downright weak woman for not being able to handle these emotions and show nothing but joy for such a miracle that so many people only hope for.

I have felt like I have no one to talk to because no one in my family has ever expressed that they’ve felt this way so it’s not possible for me to be feeling this way or that if anyone has ever felt this way in my life, they’ve never voiced it so why should I?

Crippling Fear

Pregnancy is rough! A woman is literally giving up control over her own body as it prepares for another life. She’s dealing with a compromised immune system. Limbs and nerves that once felt fantastic now feeling much weaker. The need to constantly find a bathroom because she has to pee {even if she’s hardly had anything to drink}.

That’s not the fear I’m talking about though. I’m okay with that. Knowing that in 9 months, I’ll be welcoming a new life and holding my child in my arms. I cannot wait for that! {I was thrilled to hold Bryan for the first time in my arms}!

I’m talking about giving birth! No one ever talks about how scary it is! I can’t tell you how many nights I’ve woken up from a nightmare about giving birth…and I’ve already gone through it before {so shouldn’t I know what to expect?}!

Every pregnancy is different…so every birth, of course, would be different.

I’ve woken up in sweats terrified from the nightmares I’ve had about something going wrong. Something happening to either me or the baby.

I’ve been overcome with so much fear about not being there for my family. I’ve had to pull over my car on my way to or from work sometimes because I’m crying so bad about all the stories I’ve read about the moms who didn’t make it and the families who now have to continue life without her.

The babies who are growing up without a mom or growing up with a new mom. A husband who’s had to find a new companion to experience life with. I find myself calling me selfish for not wanting what’s best for my family, whether it means I’m a part of it or not.

For that reason, I’ve buried this crippling fear down deep inside me in the hopes that it would just pass, but in the moments when I’m feeling overwhelmed or alone, it comes crawling back up and I find myself crying in the car…crying in my office…crying at home. Feeling weak… feeling out of control… feeling selfish.

Insecurity

Pregnancy changes a lot. Not only the family dynamic, but it changes the woman herself- physically, mentally and emotionally. Yes, the whole family changes physically, mentally and emotionally as they prepare for another human being to enter into the daily routine of things in the home. I feel like the woman changes the most… and it’s a feeling that goes unspoken or unacknowledged.

As we prepare for our little girl {oh, that’s right…we found out this past Saturday}, I’ve not only felt insecure about my body changing and all these things happening to it that’s out of my control, but I’ve felt so insecure about the relationships I have with others.

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Husband

In the past, I’ve felt insecure with other relationships because I had always been hurt. I had always been too forgiving, it seemed, and I felt like I was constantly setting myself up to get hurt…until I met Tory. He changed all of that.

He made me feel worthy, special, important, loved and showed me what unconditional love is, regardless of all the things I threw at him. In our first year together alone, he dealt with me losing two family members {my dog I had grown up with for 10 years and my uncle} all within a month of each other, he had to take care of me countless times because I had gotten sick and {my friends who really know me wouldn’t be surprised} dealt with me being on crutches for 3 weeks because I had fallen at work in a puddle of water.

After dealing with all of that and more, he still stuck around and showed me that I was worth every obstacle, we were worth every obstacle. I knew I had no need to ever feel insecure ever again because here was a man who stuck around and saw the worst in me and still believed in me when I didn’t even believe in myself.

So why have both my pregnancies, this current one even more so, made me feel so insecure about our relationship that I’m so stuck in my head. I’m worried about other people trying to butt into our relationship and ruin the one relationship that has ever made me feel like I’m worth it. I’m so worried that I haven’t done enough in our relationship or that I haven’t been doing my part and that I’ve been slacking. He reassures me almost everyday that I do too much for our family, but I still feel like I don’t do enough.

Family

I’ve had so many breakdowns and have snapped so many times with several of my cousins, my grandparents, parents and siblings that I’ve gotten stuck in my head that I’ve created this terrible image of me to them. I’m not the person they knew and grew up with.

I feel like I’ve been so up and down that they’re starting to get annoyed with being around me and would rather avoid me at all costs. I haven’t been able to talk to my family like I usually am without something making me breakdown or frustrating me more than it usually would.

There are a lot of times instead of talking to any of them about how I’m feeling, I just hold it in and hope that it goes unnoticed.

Son

fileOf all my relationships, this is the one I’ve felt the most insecure about. When Bryan was first born and up until just a couple months ago, we were very close. I did all his baths with him, he would crawl over to me at night and cuddle with me to fall asleep, he would be so excited to see me when I came home from work.

The more my stomach starts growing, the less he wants me. The more he cries when I try to take him from his daddy or his great-grandparents. The less I see that smiling face when I come home from work.

It’s made me so insecure that my relationship has changed with him that there are times when I’m so sad that I’m pregnant again because I don’t want to lose what I had with him.

I give him less baths now and have to rely on others because he squirms so much and has gotten so much heavier for me to lift out of the tub…it took away that time we had together. He doesn’t cuddle with me as much anymore at night…I’ve become jealous of his relationship with his daddy and that just makes me even more sad, because I know I should be ecstatic that Bryan has such an incredible daddy.

I’m scared that when baby girl arrives, my relationship with my son will never be the same as it was or that he’ll resent me for bringing another baby into the house. Yes, he’s only a one-year-old, but it hurts when he pushes away or when he doesn’t let me carry him.

I can’t wait for me to return home and play more of the stay-at-home mom role than working all the time and being unable to see him as much. I’m hoping that will help my relationship with him, but until then, I’m scared that he’s going to push away from me even more.

Pregnancy can be such a beautiful and incredible thing, but with it comes so many emotions. I wish that it were easier to talk to other people about it, but there’s always that fear that you’re being judged for not being a good mother when you’re feeling all these ways or for being weak.

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